Meeting the Cullens
by ocicat
Summary: A parody of when Bella meets the Cullen family. One Shot. Ocicat. Oh, and, please do read and review.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do own your soul, but not Twilight.**

Bella stumbled out of Edward's Volvo.

'I didn't know that the ground was that close!'

Edward flew over to Bella, propping her up with his right index finger.

'You were blinded by my beauty, right? _Right?'_

Bella frowned.

'Um… sure…?'

Edward smirked before gripping her arm tightly with a face that said 'emergency.'

'And my glittering. The glittering was beautiful too, right? Come on Bella!'

'Yes, Edward, you are very beautiful.'

She leaned forward to give him a kiss, her eyes closing. Edward kissed her on the forehead before stepping back as she opened her eyes and sighed.

'I know that you think I am beautiful, but I am dangerous Bella. Stop telling me that I am beautiful, it just makes it harder for me to stay away from you. You know that Bella.'

At this point Emmett walked out of the glass house, chewing on the severed torso of a grizzly bear.

'Emmett, put it away. Bella's here.'

Edward hissed, and Emmett looked at his severed torso with longing before throwing it into the near by wilderness. Emmett wiped his hand over his mouth, to rid it of grizzly blood, before offering the same hand for Bella to shake. Bella smiled and shook Emmett's hand.

'Wow, Edward. Emmett is big…'

As she said this a crow that was flying past swooped and tore off a piece of Bella's scalp. Edward proceeded to eat said crow as Emmett giggled uncontrollably, pointing at the blood streaming from Bella's forehead.

'Haha! Pain! I just know that I am going to like you!'

Jasper, drawn by the scent of blood, appeared from the house. His eyes widened as he saw Bella, and Edward stood in front of her with his hands out in front of him.

'No, Jasper, no. No, Jasper, no. This is Bella, don't eat her.'

'But, but… she smells _yummy._'

Edward rolled his eyes.

'No, Jasper. Don't be a bitch.'

Jasper ran away crying and Alice (who appeared suddenly) chased after him, saying something about it not being his fault that Bella smelled like chocolate sauce.

'Oh.'

Bella began crying and wailing at the top of her lungs.

'HE DOESN'T LIKE ME! OH MY GOD I AM PULLING APART YOUR FAMILY!'

'That's right, bitch slut whore.'

Rosalie appeared from the wilderness, finishing off Emmett's discarded bear torso. Edward coughed 'Bitch-face.'

'What was that Edward?'

Rosalie clicked her fingers in an 'Oh no you did not' fashion and bobbed her head.

'I said… RUN BELLA.'

Edward and Bella ran into the house where Carlisle and Esme were standing by a piano, in a position choreographed hours beforehand. Esme flicked her hair and walked over to Bella.

'I am so glad Edward has _finally_ gotten a girlfriend. We were starting to think that he was 'batting for the other team' if you get my drift…'

Edward crossed his arms over his chest dramatically.

'Just because I went to Martigra _one year. GOD!'_

Carlisle approached Bella with his hand open to shake hers. Bella screamed and started hyperventilating.

'OMG ANOTHER VAMPIRE WANTS TO KILL ME!'

She proceeded to pull out what was left of her hair and kick her left leg with her right foot.

'OMG OMG THEY ARE GOING TO EAT ME!!'

Esme pursed her lips and looked at Carlisle with worried eyes before she turned back to Edward. He had his hands in his pockets and looked at Bella before raising his eyebrows.

'So, Esme, Carlisle; what do you think of my Bella?'

No one spoke for about a minute before Esme said;

'Well… she is… different. I'll give you that.'

A look of outrage crossed Bella's face.

'IT'S CALLED 'HIGH MAINTENANCE'.'

She threw her hands to her face and ran out of the room crying. Edward's eyes followed Bella as she bashed into the glass panelling that contained the house. He nodded his head up and down before performing his classic 'one-half-of-my-face-is-paralysed' smile.

'That's my true love, oh yeah.'

**I dedicate this story to Wittle Bittle Kate, for all her imaginative creepiness that inspired some of this weird-arse story...**

**Thanks for reading, please do review.**

**Ocicat.**


End file.
